Brave Hearts
by BSnows
Summary: The Clexa AU where Lexa is angsty af and Clarke tries to show her that life is worth living (lots of fluff eventually)
1. Chapter 1

For Clarke, the best part of finishing high school and having a little break before college classes begin, indeed, is to finally be able to sleep her ass off. To sleep until her body feels like it's too much and she wakes in the middle of the afternoon feeling dizzy and guilty that she's lost half of her day already, but satisfied as hell with that.

That's all she has been dreaming about these last months, actually. A little break from her life to sleep, be lazy and get her energies back on track.

A little break from her busy social life, from Finn and from all the shit she needs to deal with daily. Just her, in her bedroom, with her sketchbook, her computer, and her guitar.

Not that she hated her high school years, sure she was one of the most popular girls, she had good friends, she was the prom queen and dated the most popular guy in school as well, but she secretly always wanted that phase to end. It all felt superfluous, pretended. She knew all that bullshit of being a big deal at school would end as soon as the classes ended.

And she was right.

She always wanted to go to college. Move out, be more independent. She calls it a personal _feng-shui_ of life, as she wrote in her old journal that she keeps in her nightstand, besides her bed.

It's a simple wish, Clarke reasons. But, even so, seems like the world won't let her have it.

It's not even Abby's fault.

It's the universe that has something against everything that Clarke plans.

Or maybe it's just her moody state of mind at the moment that's saying it.

"Clarke," she hears her mom's voice echoes in the back of her head, but it's not until she feels cold hands on her arm that she decides to open her eyes for a second. Abby is blurry but Clarke can see she's wearing her work uniform.

Her mom has a good job as the therapist of prisoners of the state, since as long as Clarke can remember. She still doesn't really understand what her mom does at work, she knows she is a therapist, but Abby never really got into details. There's this unspoken barrier between an adult and a child's reality, Clarke just accepted that she wasn't needed to understand it all. Still, the only thing she knows is that Abby is quite skilled considering the number of times she was required to the workstation in the middle of the night in the past before her father died.

"Clarke, wake up!"

Clarke lets out a groan and rolls onto the side, facing the wall and wishing that this could maybe make her mom go away.

"Honey, it's serious."

Clarke knows that tone. She gives in and rolls back to face Abby with only one eye opened. _"What?"_

"I need to go to the police station," Abby pulls Clarke's blanket over her bare shoulder. "I'd very much like to ask you to take care of yourself and call me if you need. I don't know how long I'll stay there this time."

"So you woke me up," Clarke says without missing a beat. "To just tell me that? _Really?_ "

Abby sighs. "Don't be like this."

"What time is it?"

"It's three in the morning," Abby answers. "Please, call me if you need."

"Mom," Clarke buries her face in her pillow. "I'm _18_ ," she says like if that means she's a boss ass adult. "I'll be fine."

Abby's heart hurt a little bit because deep down inside her heart she knows it is true. Clarke has always been perfectly capable of taking care of herself, even when she was a kid. Even after all the shit that they had been through.

She kisses Clarke's blonde head before unnecessarily pulling up her blanket one more time.

"I know."

* * *

 _[12:00pm] from Rae:_  
 _Hey, I'm coming over, ok?_

 _[12:42pm] from Rae:_  
 _?_

 _[1:15pm] from Rae:_  
 _FFS, you're still sleeping, right?_

 _[1:15pm] from Rae:_  
 _You're such a lazy ass_

 _[2:05] from Rae:_  
 _You're disgusting_

It's 4:24pm now.

A grin curls Clarke's lips as she reads all the eleven messages from Raven. She loves how, even before she gets up, Raven can make her smile.

Even if it is with painful truths.

Those were the only notifications that she had on her cell phone, though. No sign of her mom, her other friends or Finn.

She gives a sarcastic laugh to herself.

Prom queen days are so over.

Before she could overanalyze about how disappointed, but not surprised, she has been feeling, she accidently hits the front camera button. It reveals a beast that should not be named, and yet very tamed.

"What the hell," Clarke flinches at the sight of her own face.

Her hair bun looks gross and she has smeared mascara around her eyes. She needs a shower before she intoxicates the neighborhood with the scent of someone who passed the last two days too busy sleeping, eating and painting to actually shower.

Clarke often gets mistaken for a temporary social introvert, but she really just takes break times very seriously. During the week she barely leaves the house.

At weekends, however, she gets back being the popular party girl she is.

Or she used to be.

* * *

It takes her actual thirty minutes to shower. Ten minutes to essentially get clean, twenty to hum songs and decide between cooking some Mac n' Cheese or baking a chocolate cake to feed herself when she goes downstairs since it is more probable that Abby's still at work.

She didn't think much about it but now she acknowledges that Abby's sudden night shift is something off. She hasn't been required in so many years. Why now?

Clarke turns off the shower. She could stress and get worried with her mother dealing with criminals, as usual, but her stomach is louder than her mind at the moment.

She needs food. Cereal, for sure.

She won't handle having to wait until she cooks something.

There's someone sitting in her kitchen's cooking island eating her cereal, judging on the loud chewing and crunching noises.

Clarke lowers her walking pace down the stairs. It could be Abby but it also could be a criminal that just happens to like to eat Lucky Charms before assaulting a house.

It has been impossible to live in this neighborhood without daily news of assaults. As a matter of fact, the whole world is getting kind of messed up.

Suddenly, she can't hear chewing noises anymore. She hears steps instead.

"Shit," Clarke mentally says. She used to be acquainted with the fear of strange people breaking into her house but if something really happens, this time, it will be a thousand times worse. She was such a bitch to her mom about her being a stupid 18-year-old independent ass. She takes one of the pins from her almost dry hair bun without thinking. Maybe it could help her stab the bastard in the eye and-

"Gotcha!" Raven jumps in front of her, causing Clarke to jump as well, followed by a screech and a bunch of dirty words. Raven looks at the pin in Clarke's hand and chuckles. "Aw, that's the tiniest sword I have ever seen."

"What the fucking fuck, Raven," Clarke angrily says as she pushes away Raven's arms that were trying to hug her. "You can't scare me like that!"

"Chill," she says, still with a playful smile on her face. "I was just in the mood of getting you pissed off."

"Yeah, well it worked, thanks," Clarke angrily puts the pin back in her hair bun and marches towards the kitchen, brushing shoulders with Raven. "And you ate all my cereal again, I bet."

"Perks of a neighbor bestie. But come on, I'm not that big of a jerk," Raven says as she follows Clarke back to the kitchen and sits back at where she was previously enjoying her and Clarke's favorite cereal. "I already prepared you a bowl."

Clarke looks at the bowl full of colored stuff that Raven is happily and dramatically pointing to and smiles. She takes a spoon and starts furiously eating it before she even sits.

"See? I'll be such a good roommate when we go to college."

"I can't deny," Clarke shakes her head, taking another spoon full of cereal into her mouth. "I mean," she tries to say and chew at the same time. "I actually was craving for cereal."

"I know," Raven does her usual smug face. "Plus, seems like you only wake up when you sense danger or cereal."

"Wait," Clarke says with her mouth full of cereal. "How long have you been here?"

"Not much," Raven rests her elbows on the surface and supports her chin with her fists, mildly judging Clarke for still having the bad habit of talking with her mouth full of food. "I went upstairs to wake you up but you were so cute and dirty, I didn't want to come near you to disturb you, _at all_."

Clarke rolls her eyes.

"You know, I hope someday I can get some privacy."

Raven smirks and winks at Clarke.

"Never, I hope."

* * *

"How was your trip?" Clarke says to try to begin a conversation with Raven, her legs resting on the brunette's lap. The girl is so concentrated while watching Cosmos she's not even blinking. Raven gets so absorb while watching that documentary that Clarke feels the need to break the silence every now and then. "I didn't know you were coming home today."

"Me neither," Raven answers without breaking eye contact with the TV. "But apparently, my dads had a fight. Usual stuff, you know."

Clarke nods and hums in response and looks at the TV again, trying to focus.

"I'll miss this," Clarke says a couple of seconds later.

Raven rolls her eyes because Clarke can't ever shut her mouth.

"What?"

"I'll miss us in the basement couch watching Netflix, you know," she says and lowers her head to take a little cat fur from her blue sweatpants, as a way of trying to hide her embarrassment over being overly emotional. "Making our little world down here when we were kids, learning how to play the guitar together, making imaginary sword fights, video games competitions, then all the parties, fighting over boys, I mean. We grew up here," she looks around the basement. "It's like our little home."

Clarke didn't mean to sound too emotional, but she at least expected Raven to say something cute too.

"The parties here, though," Raven smiles and Clarke chuckles, she knows Raven is too stubborn to show any emotions.

"Everything is going to change when we go to college," Clarke continues. "I don't know, I'll just miss this."

"Hey," Raven takes Clarke's hand. "But we'll still be together, facing all the new problems ahead, ok?"

"Ok."

"Good," Raven smiles, and so does Clarke. "You know how happy I am to have you, Clarke."

Clarke knows it.

She remembers the day her parents told her that the gay couple next door, the Reyes, were adopting a little girl that was 5 years old, just like Clarke at the time. Clarke was so happy. She remembers that when they went to their house to meet the new member of the Reyes family, the little girl was scared. Clarke made her feel comfortable straight away, promising her that she could borrow any toy that Clarke owned and that they would be like best friends.

And Clarke was right.

They created a bond so special, it felt like they were sisters. Sisters from another life, as they would say.

Clarke feels the only reason she is still alive after her father's death four years ago was because Raven never left her side. She wasn't even eating until Raven told her to. Clarke understood that she needed to survive to take care of Raven and Abby, and so she did.

"You know I'm happy I have you, too."

Raven opens her mouth to say something, but they hear a loud noise of breaking glass coming from inside the house.

Clarke looks to Raven, her eyes widened.

"Chill, it's Abby," Raven says as she pulls Clarke's legs off of her to get up the couch. "I'll see if she's ok."

"No, Raven," Clarke grabs the girl's arm to stop her from going away. "My mom texted me, she's not coming home in at least one and a half hour from now."

"You don't think-"

"My mom works with criminals, Raven," Clarke says. "The crazy ones, psychopaths, sociopaths, murderers. They have contacts, you know."

Raven looks to the basement door and then looks at Clarke again. She swallows, wishing that Clarke's eyes aren't telling her exactly what she's avoiding to think about.

"Oh, shit."

* * *

"We shouldn't have watched all that horror movies, man," Raven says as she carefully walks behind Clarke. "We shouldn't-

"Shut up, let me hear," Clarke presses her ear tighter against the basement door, hoping she could hear something that says it's her mom that's home and it is safe for them to go there.

"We shouldn't-," Raven starts to whisper, but Clarke gives her a deadly look at the same moment. "Ok, sorry."

"I can't hear anything."

"Have you considered that it could be Titus?"

Clarke points to the spot where her cat loves the most to hide, which is behind the bookshelf that contains all her dad's old books. "He's sleeping there, I saw him."

"Ok," Raven says. "I'm going inside."

"No!"

"We need to find out, right?" Raven puts her hand on the door handle, but Clarke slaps her hand.

"Ow!"

"Stop it," Clarke frowns her brows. "I'm not letting you go there alone."

Raven takes a deep breath, trying to calm all her nerves and gathering the courage she knows she'll be needing for the following minutes. "Together then?"

Clarke nods.

"Ok."

* * *

Raven holds Clarke's hand even tighter as they walk the corridor together towards the living room and the kitchen.

"You'll be okay," and that's the only thing that Clarke thinks about to say.

They walk to the kitchen on their tiptoes, the most probable source of that breaking glass noise, and there isn't Abby.

Nor a muscle criminal, apparently.

There's a girl in a red plaid shirt and a messy ponytail sitting right where Raven was having her cereal earlier today.

"Yo," Raven says. "What the fuck."

The girl doesn't feel scared at all at the sudden shout. She slowly turns in the chair and looks at both of them with tired eyes. Clarke instinctively places herself in front of Raven. The girl narrows her eyes, trying to analyze their features and when she notices they're holding hands, she gives a lopsided smug smile. "Cute."

Clarke and Raven look at each other. They let go of each other's hand at the same moment.

"Who are you and why are you in my house?" Clarke nervously says when she notices the girl has bandages on both her wrists. "And why- What is that?" she points to the pieces of broken glass on the floor next to her.

Abby appears in the kitchen carrying a broom in her hand. She looks at the girl and then she looks at Clarke and Raven with her eyes half-closed. "Why all the screaming?"

Although Clarke is very relieved to see the figure of her mom, she doesn't stop to think reasonably and lets her feelings speak for her. Clarke had just experienced some genuine fear, which after her nightmares and her dad, seems to be becoming her daily routine for life.

"Why all the screaming?" Clarke repeats and blinks a few times. "This freak broke into our house!"

The girl lets a laugh through her nose, not minding the previous insult. She turns in the chair and gets her attention back to eat cereal.

Clarke's cereal.

"Clarke!", Abby censors. "This is Lexa, be kind."

"Hey," Lexa says, still sitting with her back facing Clarke and Raven and eating her cereal.

Clarke is still mad.

She isn't in the mood.

"Didn't you for a second," Clarke says and Raven unconsciously takes a step back, predicting all the drama ahead. "Think to warn me that you would bring _this girl_ home? Or even," Clarke points her finger in the direction of the basement. "At least try to find me to tell me you're home? We almost shitted our pants thinking someone was here!"

Abby looks at Lexa and shakes her head. "I'm sorry."

Clarke observes as the girl shakes her head as well, "It's ok."

"Well, I didn't see you in your bedroom and since Raven was on a trip I thought maybe you could have gone to Finn's house," Abby calmly says as she starts to sweep the broken pieces of glass towards a random spot near the trash can. "I'm sorry you got scared honey," she looks at Clarke and raises an eyebrow. "But, if you weren't sure, you could have called me or sent me a message when you heard me breaking a glass, couldn't you?" she says. "Also, how many times have I told you not to lock yourself in the basement when you're home alone?"

Clarke crosses her arms and snorts. She knows her mother is right and she knows she is acting irrationally. She actually can't think about anything that would defend her ridiculous rage towards a girl that is probably broken and her mother's patient.

She feels stupid. And it makes her feel even more annoyed.

Raven comes closer to Clarke, who's still standing there with unsteady breath and crossed arms, and whispers in her ear.

"I told you we shouldn't watch too many horror movies."

Abby laughs at Raven's comment as she finishes sweeping all those glasses, "You sure shouldn't." She puts the broom against the wall and walks to the cooking island to lean against it, her fingers interlaced together on top of the dark granite surface. "All those movies make these girls with their heads in the clouds," she says to Lexa. "I'm really sorry."

"That's ok," Lexa says as she places the spoon carefully inside the almost empty bowl. She gets up and puts it in the sink. "Can I wash it?" She innocently asks Abby.

Clarke can't help but feel deeply annoyed with the presence of this girl.

Abby shakes her hand and smiles. "Oh, leave it, honey, Clarke will wash that later."

Clarke and Raven look at each other.

"But I want to, that's not a problem, really," she insists.

"Then ok, have your fun washing the bowl while I" Abby tilts her head towards Clarke and Raven. "Go upstairs with these two to take some fluffy pillows and blankets to make your bed on the couch, for now, you must be feeling tired."

"Hey, I think my dad's calling me-"

Abby interrupts Raven at the same second.

"Both of you upstairs real quick."

Clarke's so screwed.

* * *

It's been particularly difficult to fall asleep tonight.

Clarke was annoyed, but she recognized she was being a dick. And now, after Abby explained a little bit of the situation, she feels even more of a dick.

There's a suicidal orphan girl sleeping on the couch downstairs.

Even though it explained much, it didn't explain the whole story. Clarke still had doubts in her mind. So many of them. But, different from the other times, she's actually concerned to find out what happened.

"If you apologize her, maybe she'll tell you," Abby told her.

Clarke's chest feels heavy. She feels something isn't right. She needs to do something.

She puts on her fluffy slippers and takes a deep breath, deeply wishing the girl is awake.

* * *

"You're awake," Clarke says as she walks down the stairs. Lexa's laying still on the couch, wearing one of Clarke's pajamas and admiring the pendant of own her necklace in her hands. She doesn't say a word.

Clarke swallows.

"Look," she says as she comes a little closer to the couch. "I'm sorry for earlier. I was scared, I often have nightmares of people breaking into my house."

Lexa closes her hand around the pendant before she rolls her rolls onto her side, her back facing Clarke.

Clarke raises her eyebrows. She's slightly hurt because Lexa didn't even look at her. "I get it. I was really out of line and-"

"I don't care," Lexa sharply says. "I need to sleep."

Clarke clenches her fists but accepts that. She puts a folded blanket on top of Lexa's foot and smoothes the cloth of it.

Lexa flinches at the sudden act and looks at Clarke. Her eyes look pretty scared and she lets out a sigh when she sees it's just a blanket. Clarke notices the girl _really_ is scared and it makes her wonder what had made her so afraid of human contact and acts of caring. Clarke can see now how green her eyes are, even only by the light of a distant lamp.

"It's just a blanket," Clarke feels the need to say. "I like this green one, it's warm if you want to. Green is calming," Clarke says without thinking. She regrets it immensely now because Lexa doesn't say a thing. Big enigmatic eyes are still staring her as if she was watching her soul and judging her existence or something.

"Clarke," Lexa says, still sounding pretty snob, but Clarke tries to ignore it. "That's your name, right?"

"Yes," Clarke nods.

"Can you please leave me alone?"

Clarke opens her mouth to talk, but she gives in.

"Sure."

"Thank you, Clarke."

Clarke doesn't know if she's bad at reading people, but she's starting to think Lexa's politeness is just pure cynicism.

* * *

And suddenly, all the problems Clarke had in her life feels nothing. She can't stop thinking about how cold Lexa's eyes look, it's almost like if her soul's not even there anymore. Lexa's empty, she's just existing.

She thinks about the bandages on her wrists, her red plaid shirt, the smile she gave when she saw Raven holding her hand, her cold yet polite attitude.

Clarke honestly doesn't know if she should try to talk to Lexa again or she should just leave her alone, as she asked her to.

It takes Clarke another hour overthinking before she falls asleep.

* * *

"She's moving in with us?" Clarke asks her mom, who's sitting on her bed. She had woken Clake up to sweetly ask her to make Lexa's breakfast. Clarke agreed at the same minute and she didn't get back to sleep as well.

Abby couldn't help but feel surprised she wasn't moody this time.

"Hardly, honey. Lexa is not a minor anymore for a little while now," even though Lexa isn't around, she lowers her voice anyways. "She has a long history of running away from her fosters parents too."

"Is she downstairs?" Clarke exasperatedly asks.

"She is, I just checked her," Abby assures. "She's sleeping and she'll be hungry when she wakes up. In the case she decides to leave, you make sure she remembers she can go to my office whenever she wants to."

"But," Clarke protests. "She can't just leave. She needs shelter."

"She does," a smile curls Abby's lips, she's feeling proud at Clarke, her rebel child with a golden heart. "We'll make this house as comfortable as we can to shelter her. If she wants to stay with us until she finds her own place, good."

Clarke eagerly nods.

"I'm going to work now," Abby gets up and kisses Clarke's forehead before caressing the smooth skin of her cheek with the back of her hand. "I trust you to take care of her, ok?"

Abby doesn't even need to ask Clarke to do that.

She has never had this urge to take care of someone like this before.

* * *

Clarke carefully opens the fridge. It makes a strange noise and Clarke glares the couch from where she is. Lexa is still soundly sleeping, it doesn't even look she has tried to kill herself the day before, probably. Clarke looks to the fridge's content again, thinking that she could make a billion things so Lexa could eat. She doesn't know what she would like to eat, though. She only knows it's been a while since she had a decent breakfast.

Finally, she decides to play safe and make her some banana pancakes with chocolate syrup and iced tea. There's no one in this world that could hate banana pancakes and tea. Especially the ones made by the skillful chef, Clarke Griffin.

She rolls her eyes at her own thoughts in her head and gets back to carefully stirring the dough in the bowl. After that, she greases a frying pan and starts to cook the pancakes. She keeps glaring the couch to see if Lexa wakes up while she cooks, but she doesn't.

A couple of minutes later, Clarke has a boss ass breakfast table in front of her. She admires it while eating some berries from a small bowl. There are all kinds of fruits, iced tea, coffee, pancakes. Also scrambled eggs and bacon.

Maybe she got a little bit too excited.

She glares the couch after a little while.

And it is empty.

Clarke anticipates herself before actually looking around the house and takes her phone out of her pocket, almost in a desperate way.

 _[10:20 am]_  
 _Did you finish fixing you car yet?_

 _[10:24am] from Rae:_  
 _You up? Before noon?_

 _[10:24am] from Rae:_  
 _Who are you and what did you do with my best friend, you sick bastard?_

 _[10:25am]_  
 _LMAO YOU'RE SO FUNNY_

[10:25am]  
I'm serious

 _[10:25am] from Rae:_  
 _Lol_

 _[10:26am] from Rae:_  
 _It's not completely fixed but it's ok to go_

 _[10:26am] from Rae:_  
 _Why? Party plans?_

 _[10:27am]_  
 _Almost_

 _[10:27am]_  
 _We're going to find Lexa_

Raven doesn't respond after that, but it takes only one and a half minute until she hears the typical loud horn of Raven's old car in her garage.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you have _any_ idea," Raven's smile is so big it could light up the whole town. She watches as Clarke struggles to open the door of her old red pickup truck because she has two little delicious pancakes wrapped in paper towels in hands and she doesn't think to hold both of them in one hand to free the other one. Raven leans over and opens the door from the inside. "Of how much I love you?"

Clarke snorts. The only way of getting some loving words from Raven is either bringing her food or massaging her constant sore leg because of all the soccer she plays on weekends. Clarke settles comfortably in the seat and hands Raven one of the little pancakes, letting out a sigh.

"I cooked her so many fucking things," she shakes her head in disapproval and she takes a small bite of her almost finished pancake. "I won't waste it."

"Sure not," Raven practically shoves the entire saucer-sized pancake in her mouth and Clarkes observes it with the corner of her eye. "Jesus" her face goes from pure joy to disgust in seconds as she chews and processes the banana flavor.

Raven slowly turns her head, killing Clarke with her eyes while she struggles to chew that disgusting thing that fills all the space inside her mouth.

Clarke chuckles loudly, that kind of laugh you give when someone gets what it deserves.

Sweet, _sweet_ revenge.

"Hi, I don't think we've met," Raven furiously says once she's done chewing, then she reaches her hand to Clarke, who takes it with pleasure. "My name is Raven and oh, _I hate bananas._ "

"Oh, nice to meet you Raven", Clarke says like if she's a British old man and shakes the girl's hand firmly, her smile bright on her face. "I'm Clarke and _I hate when people scare me._ "

Raven narrows her eyes. She tilts her head as a grin slowly grows in her mouth, she has everything figured it out.

"Oh, I see. Revenge," and Clarke happily and silently nods, finishing her pancake and molding the greasy paper towel until it becomes a small ball. "Fair enough."

"Do you still love me?"

Raven hates Clarke's puppy eyes so much.

"Yeah, yeah," she huffs and turns the key to start her car. "I do, whatever".

* * *

"Let me get this straight, you woke up early to cook her breakfast, and the house was probably smelling like bacon everywhere, and she just left? Without eating?" Raven asks, her eyes fixed on the path ahead as they slowly ride around the neighborhood. Clarke's eyes are searching everywhere to find Lexa, but it's been about fifty minutes of lack of success already. "Ugh, this girl is so weird."

"She folded the blankets and my pajama and just left, just like the wind, without saying a word," Clarke says as her eyes still focus on scanning each house they pass by. "I searched around the house and nothing, her bike wasn't outside too, so," she sighs. "She even forgot her necklace on the couch."

"Necklace?"

Clarke puts her hand inside her pocket and pulls out a necklace with an infinity symbol pendant attached. She holds it in the air so Raven can take a brief look at it.

They analyze the bronze jewelry. The strand looks old, but not as much as the round pendant with that infinity symbol. "She was holding it when she fell asleep. It means something to her."

"Tough day," Raven says. "First, you almost die, then you go to a strange house and a weird young grandmother that only rocks hair buns watches you fall asleep, then you lose your necklace there. I mean, at this point, I would have been drinking my weight in cheap wine."

"All the 100 pounds?" Clarke says it so naturally it almost don't seem like it was meant to tease Raven. She puts the necklace back in the pocket of her ripped jeans and Raven makes a pause before she lets out a tired sigh.

"But Abby said she's what, 21?" Raven quickly looks at Clarke and frowns when she notices that she's biting her thumbnail, a habit she had acquired after her father died when she gets too anxious. "She won't die of cold, you know. And we barely know her, she could be a murderer!" Raven exasperatedly exclaims. "Aren't you the one who always worry that your mom works with them?"

Clarke knows exactly what Raven is trying to say.

"My mom said she's not a problem and she's _20_ ," Clarke corrects Raven and looks at her feeling very, very disappointed. She doesn't really blame Raven, though, it is unexpected of Clarke to care this much about someone they know almost nothing about. "Sure, we only know that she's a snob, but that doesn't mean we should just let her roam around town without trying, at least. My mom tried. Lexa's a human being in pain and she tried to kill herself, Raven," Clarke gets her attention back to searching for Lexa through the dirty windows, "She's not well. We could help."

"We don't even know why she tried to kill herself," Raven says in a defensive way. "Abby didn't tell us the whole story."

Clarke lets out a sigh as she leans back on the seat. "Don't do this Rae, we are finding this girl and we're finding out what happened."

"Ok," Raven shrugs. "Should we call Abby, then?"

Clarke is so sure that she's going to find Lexa walking and carrying her bike in each corner that they turn that she didn't even think about contacting her mom to talk about it yet. But, if Abby notices that Clarke's really putting an effort to it, she will probably ask for the rest of the day off at work and come help them. And Clarke doesn't want that. She wants to be able of doing something good without her mom.

"No, she doesn't need to know," Clarke firmly says. "Lexa will be home and safe by the time she comes back from work."

* * *

At first, Clarke was confident. She was so sure that she would find Lexa. Clarke could sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, she doesn't care about it. At least until they create a bond strong enough that the girl would let her sleep in the bedroom with her, and they would get to know each other and Clarke could help her.

She refuses to think that killing yourself is the only way out of a problem. In Clarke's point of view, there is always a way. There's always something to fight for, there's always something to keep breathing for.

But now, fifty-seven minutes later, they're running out of gas and hope.

"Uh oh," Raven says. "The big boy here is hungry. We need a gas station."

"There's one turning the next corner."

Clarke has her head resting against the window. She knows that they have been searching around for a relatively short period of time, but honestly they have no clue where she might have gone and it feels a little bit out of context now. And with a bicycle, she could be anywhere. Miles from them.

Clarke feels weird for a second. She finally thinks about how noisy of her is to find someone that made it very clear that hates being bothered. Clarke gets lost in a strange ache until they hear the police siren.

"Are your documents here?" Clarke quickly turns to Raven to be the anxious little shit she always is.

Raven doesn't respond, she has a smile that suggests she fucked up instead. Raven just accepts it, she listens to Clarke as she panics and she listens the siren gets louder as they approach them.

Raven instinctively slows down, but the police car runs through them towards the gas station.

They both breathe out in relief.

* * *

"Do you want something?" Clarke unbuckles and asks Raven, who is happily filling up the gas tank while whistling outside the car. "I'm going to the public bathroom."

"I would ask you to bring me some Skittles," Raven says, "But I can't really trust you with food, can I?"

Clarke smiles. "Nope."

She gets out of the car and looks around the place. It is weird that it isn't empty at this time of the day on a Tuesday. She observes the police car that's parked in front of the grocery store as she enters it to buy Raven some Skittles before she goes to the bathroom.

She shouldn't have drank all that iced tea in such a hurry.

The two cops aren't filling up the gas tank, as she thought they would. They're in the store interrogating the cashier girl. Clarke can't help it. She quickly grabs the Skittles from the candy shelf and gets herself in line just to hear better what they're saying. There are about four people ahead of her, but still, she can hear what the cops are saying since everyone suddenly shut their mouths.

"Yeah," the cashier says. "A girl bought some vodkas earlier. Someone said she was drinking in the bathroom, but I think she already left."

"She looks like this," one of them say. "Alexandria "Lexa" Woods. Are you sure it was her?"

Everything stops.

Clarke can't hear anything else, only distant voices in her head. It feels like ages until the adrenaline kicks in and she realizes she needs to do something.

She needs to do something right now.

Clarke swallows, she's sweating. She evaluates the options in her head. If Lexa is really in the bathroom, she could either let them arrest her, for whatever the reason is, and Raven could drive them to the police station to try to get her out of there. Or she could...

"Fuck."

She carefully puts the Skittles back to the candy shelf and walks at a normal pace towards the bathroom outside in the back of the gas station. She looks back. They can't see her. She fastens her pace into a point she's running.

She's running fast.

She turns towards the bathroom and there's a bicycle on the floor and an almost empty bottle near the girl's bathroom door. She comes closer, the door is ajar, and she can see that someone's in looks back again, she's still out of sight, yet she hears steps and the cops murmuring.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

She doesn't think before she grabs the bottle and enters the bathroom, quickly locking the door behind her after that. She leans against it and tries to breathe out without making too much noise.

If it wasn't really Lexa there, it would be quite a weird situation.

However, it is Lexa, and she is sitting on the wet and dirty floor and leaning her head on the cold ceramic wall. She's blacking out, her eyes are barely open. She's hugging a full bottle of vodka as if it is the only thing she has to hold on to.

And it probably is.

Clarke throws the bottle she's holding in the trash can and bends down to grab Lexa's face between her hands. She shakes her as in a desperate act of trying to make her wake up. "Lexa, please," she whispers. "Why the fuck are you doing this?"

Lexa doesn't answer, but a single tear drops from her closed eyes.

Clarke understands it isn't time to act disappointed and question her actions right now. "You're ok," Clarke assures while gently wiping away the tear. She takes the bottle from her to place it on the floor. "You're going to be ok."

Someone knocks on the door.

"Alexandria Woods?" a man says and heavily knocks on the door again. "Alexandria Woods!"

Clarke's heart is beating so fast it feels like she's going to have a heart attack. If she opens the door to talk to them, they'll be able to see Lexa laying on the floor.

"Come on," Clarke whispers as she tries to hold Lexa. "You need to sit on the toilet."

Lexa pushes away Clarke's arms, her eyes are still closed and she's only frowning, but Clarke can feel how much she's angry.

"In a minute!" Clarke shouts and the knocking noises stop. She takes Lexa in her arms, but she doesn't let her, again. This attitude isn't helping Clarke to feel less like they're fucked. She needs to do something, she needs to think. Clarke remembers she has Lexa's necklace on her pocket and her brain clicks. "Listen," Clarke grabs her face to force her to look at her, "I have something yours here."

Lexa slowly opens her eyes until they're half-opened.

Clarke puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out the necklace. Lexa's face is devoided of any expression, but her eyes open a little bit more. She's so drunk she can't even speak. "I'll give it back to you if you help me, I can't do this alone."

Lexa lets out a groan and clumsily reaches her arms to Clarke.

They knock on the door again.

"I just need to flush the toilet," Clarke lies. "In a minute!"

Clarke takes Lexa's hands and drags her near the toilet. She pretends to flush before she takes Lexa in her arms and carefully sits her on the toilet. Lexa leans against the wall and it seems like she's sleeping.

Clarke looks around the bathroom, she has about sixty seconds to think about a plan. She takes her the cell phone in her pocket and tries to text Raven with shaking hands.

[ _11:40 am]_  
 _The cops are here in the bathroom door_

 _[11:40 am]_  
 _Lexa is here shes drunk  
_  
 _[11:40 am]_  
 _Im with her inside the bathroom and theyre looking for her pls help  
_  
 _[11:40 am]_  
 _PLS HURRY THEYLL TAKE HER  
_

Clarke typed so fast that she feels a pain in her thumbs. She puts the cell phone back in her pocket and looks at Lexa. She's still sleeping.

Clarke comes closer to her again and checks her pulse. It is slow.

"Ok," Clarke says to herself before whispering to Lexa again. "Please, keep quiet."

She takes a look at her reflection in the broken mirror on top of the sink and fixes her hair, then, she pretends to wash her hands. "I'm coming!", she says like if she's not feeling like she's about to be in a big, big trouble. She kicks Lexa's soaked backpack away as she opens the door wide enough for only her head pass in it. "Hi," she frowns, seeming surprised that there are two cops in front of her. "What's wrong?"

One of the cops turns away with a sarcastic laugh. The other one lifts a picture and stares at Clarke before looking at it again. "What's your name, miss?"

"Oh, sorry," Clarke says, hiding her shaking hand behind her back. "My name is Clarke Griffin."

"Griffin?" he raises a brow as if that was an incredible thing to find out.

"Yeah," Clarke nods. She hears Lexa moving and hopes her voice overcomes any noise Lexa might make. "My mom is Abby Griffin," she says with her voice a little bit louder. "She works with Charles Pike, I guess."

She knows that smart cops won't threaten Abby Griffin's daughter since her mom works directly with their boss. However, the cop's still looking at her like if he's uncertain. He knows something is off.

"Step outside, please."

Clarke feels cold dread wash over her.

"Clarke!" Raven shouts and both cops turn to look at her. The girl is holding a tampon box in her hands and she raises it, making the cops flinch. "I bought it!" she says as she runs to Clarke.

"Gross," one of them says.

Raven is a genius. Some men _can_ be dumb enough to be disgusted by the human body. Raven is a fucking genius.

"What's happening?" Raven frowns to the cops as she hands Clarke the tampons and quickly closes the door for her. She stands between the cops and the closed door. "Did my girlfriend do something wrong?" she says, and then whispers. "I'm sorry, she has really bad cramps today, _you know what I mean."_

"No," the cop says. "Just, hm," Raven can't help but feel a delicious joy at the cop's embarrassment. "Keep safe, ok?" he slightly punches Raven in the shoulder, making her look at him very, very disgusted.

"Yeah," she says before forcing a smile. "Thanks."

The cops walk away.

* * *

Lexa feels a strong pain in her stomach even before she opens her eyes. Her mouth is so dry it is hard to swallow, she needs to drink water, but the thought of drinking something makes her stomach ache a little bit more and it makes her want to puke. She opens her eyes to see that she's inside a house, she's in a bedroom, and not in a hospital as she's used to. She doesn't recognize the color of the ceiling and the walls, though, so she's not at her foster parent's home. She's also wearing someone else's clothes, her necklace, and her hair is smelling like coconut.

"You're awake," she hears a husky voice, Abby's daughter voice. Lexa rolls onto her side, Clarke's sitting in a chair beside the bed. "I thought it wouldn't happen."

Lexa struggles to talk, she swallows and she feels her stomach ache, making her close her eyes again. "Why are you doing this?

Clarke laughs through her nose because something in her core knew that the girl was going to question her or something instead of thanking her.

"You mean," Clarke puts the book she was reading and her glasses on top of the nightstand. "Why didn't I let you get arrested or why didn't I let you die from alcohol overdose?"

Lexa closes her eyes tighter and tiredly asks. "Why?"

"I don't know," Clarke honestly answers. "I'm happy you're awake."

That's not the answer Lexa is used to hear and it makes her open her eyes to look at her. People take care of her, shelter her, because otherwise, they would feel guilty if they didn't. They do it because they need to. People make speeches of how much they want her to get well and how they want her to be happy, and they promise her that they're there for her. But it's not because they really care about her, they just want her to be less of a pain in the ass.

Not because they're happy she is awake.

Clarke notices that Lexa's struggling to talk.

"We can talk later," she says. "Go back to sleep."

And Lexa does so.

* * *

They don't talk when Lexa wakes up hours later.

Clarke tried to begin a conversation, but once again, Lexa made it very clear she doesn't need her babysitting her steps. She knows Clarke keeps surrounding her just for curiosity and pity.

It felt like a gun shot to Clarke.

They argued and Clarke told her everything she and Raven did to save her arrogant ass since she doesn't remember. She told her how they both almost got arrested, how Raven saved them, how they struggled to put her and her bicycle in the pickup truck without people noticing something was wrong, how they felt scared that she was going to die, how they felt scared when they changed her bandages and there were hundreds of cuts on her wrists.

Lexa was very surprised, very confused and very hurt.

Clarke doesn't know it, but the way she said it triggered Lexa's depression. There is stuff that can seem normal to say to someone, they can seem harmless at first, but it actually feels like a bomb when it comes to a damaged person that is listening to it.

Abby came home and prepared them dinner and they ate all the food in the table as Lexa talked about herself, hiding that she was feeling very uncomfortable with that situation, but at least Clarke didn't mention what had happened.

Except, she did.

When Abby was preparing Clarke's bed for Lexa, she told her that Clarke informed her what had happened. Abby is a kind soul. She didn't judge Lexa or anything, she just hugged her as she cried herself to sleep that night.

Clarke stayed downstairs on the couch, waiting for Lexa to sleep and Abby to tell her what the hell is going on. Abby never tells the stories about her patients because it breaks her professional ethics, but this is a singular situation.

"It is complicated, honey," Abby whispers. "All you need to know is that Lexa needs to mourn her loss."

"Fuck this," Clarke says and then realizes it came out loud. "We almost got _arrested_. They were going to _arrest_ her. Are you hiding her or something?"

Abby smiles."You're my brave girl," she says. "I know you'll understand-"

"Oh, fuck off," Clarke says. "I'm not a child anymore, I have the right to know the truth."

"You're right," she says, disapproving Clarke's vocabulary with her eyes. "But it's not me who is going to tell you that."

* * *

When Lexa decides to wake up, the painful reality hits her heart, but she gets distracted by other feelings and she rolls onto her side to glare at the chair that Clarke once was sitting, except she isn't there this time. It is strange that she looked for her presence as soon as she woke up.

She slowly sits on the bed and looks around. There are an easel, paintings, and clothes everywhere. It is a mess. She glares at the nightstand and sees a glass of water. Lexa looks at the door to check if Clarke is there before she takes the glass and drinks it like if she had never seen the water before.

She puts the glass back on the nightstand and she notices a little notebook under the lamp.

It is Clarke's journal.

She carefully opens it and there are weird drawings. Dreams and nightmares. Lexa doesn't read much, but it is clear Clarke's not a hundred percent happy with her life, or her body. Lexa finds a drawing of a really skinny blond girl on a page, the drawing is a mess, it is dark, looks like it was made with fury. Clarke wrote "goals" on that page.

Lexa frowns in confusion. She would never imagine Clarke was unhappy with something. The girl dances while she cooks pancakes.

It takes Lexa a couple of minutes more reading Clarke's journal before she goes downstairs.

* * *

Lexa shyly approaches the couch where Clarke is sitting and playing GTA. She just stands there, too afraid to start a conversation and then be rejected or start a conversation and get to talk about herself.

Lexa moves like the wind. Clarke didn't even notice the girl going downstairs.

"I don't bite," Clarke murmurs once she feels Lexa's presence, but she keeps playing the game. Lexa shyly sits on the couch, tugging on the hem of her borrowed sweatshirt. "You sleep too much." Clarke finally says.

"I know," Lexa says and it feels extremely rude of her if she doesn't apologize. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Clarke says.

"Good," Lexa swallows.

"If you want me to leave you alone-" Clarke looks at her and gets distracted for a moment. Even with an old sweatshirt on, Lexa still manages to look cute. Her long wavy locks of brown hair are also something quite notable.

"No," Lexa eagerly says. "I just don't want to talk."

Clarke nods. She follows what her mom said to her. Lexa will talk about her when she feels ready for it.

"Have you ever played GTA V?" Clarke tries.

"No."

Clarke hands her the controller and quickly instructs her how to play it and what she needs to do to pass the phase, but Lexa completely ignores it. She thinks it is amusing driving a stolen car and hitting it on every light pole possible.

"You're a terrible driver," Clarke flinches and Lexa chuckles.

It is the first time that Clarke hears her laugh.

"I know," Lexa proudly says and Clarke looks at her. She seems in peace while playing that game and it soothes Clarke's heart for some reason. "But I prefer Rise of the Tomb Raider, there's a female protagonist, at least."

Clarke thinks how stupid she is to presume that Lexa had never played video games before.

"Never heard about it," Clarke says as she hugs her legs and nestles herself on the couch, observing Lexa happily drive that fucked-up car and dodge each person that crosses her way. "We can buy it later."

It's been a while. Lexa likes the feeling of having something to look forward to. "We can."

The police car on the game is chasing Lexa and Clarke can't help it, she thinks about yesterday and all the stress that she and Raven went through.

She needs to know what happened.

"Why were those cops after you?"

Lexa doesn't respond, she just swallows and lets herself be arrested on the game.

"I...", she starts, but Clarke's phone buzzes loudly on the couch. Clarke looks at the screen and then at Lexa, she mouths an "I'm sorry" and answers the phone.

"Hello?"

" _Hey, baby_ " Finn answers. " _I miss your voice._ "

Clarke looks at Lexa, she focusing on playing the game.

"Oh, really?" she says and then lowers her voice, feeling a little bit embarrassed. "Is that why you don't talk to me it's been what, ages?"

" _Come on, Clarke_ ," he says. " _You agreed we needed some space_."

"No," Clarke snorts. "You said it, after that I didn't have much choice, did I?"

" _Baby-_ "

"Don't call me that," she firmly says.

" _Ok, then, let's talk about something else,"_ he says _. "How are the preparations for the party?"_

"What party?"

" _Your party, or the Epic Hangover, as you say"_ he chuckles _. "Did you forget?"_

Clarke mentally curses herself for forgetting that she has a party planned for this Saturday. Everyone is waiting for this party since the beginning of the year.

"Oh, no," she lies. "It's going to be fine, I guess."

 _"Good, I'll see you Saturday, then?_ "

"Yeah," and Clarke ends the call. "Fucking fuck."

"Are you ok?" Lexa asks as she skillfully runs away from the cops again.

"I'm good."

"Ok," Lexa says as she drives her can into the ocean. "I hope your girlfriend is not mad at you because of me."

"What?" Clarke frowns. "What girlfriend?"

"The baseball tee one," Lexa's eyes are still fixed on the TV. "Raven, I guess?"

Clarke laughs, she laughs hard.

"Raven isn't my girlfriend," she says. "As much as I love her, we're just friends. She's not really my type."

"Oh," Lexa says. "Nice."

It might seem something normal and casual, but Clarke replays what Lexa said and overanalyzes it a thousand times in her mind until Abby comes home and asks for help to cook dinner.

* * *

 ** _Hey, guys! I'm trying something new from my usual stuff with this story here. And I'm not a native speaker and this is an unbetad chapter, so I'm sorry if you found any random grammar mistakes. Also, here's my clexa trash_ _Tumblr_ _: loupagneau. Lots of love! X_**


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa takes a moment to think about how easily she can walk around places without being noticed. She used to love it about her, when she was a kid she used to pretend she was a ninja and she was always on missions around whatever the place she was. No one could mess with little Lexa, she was a badass ninja and everybody in the orphanage knew it, the kids _and_ the grown-ups. She even used to wear a mask around her eyes that she made from an old black sock that she secretly stole from the laundry. Lexa doesn't blame growing up as a ward of the state as the reason why her life sucks. She actually had a pretty healthy childhood, she was free to play with the other kids and learn with them.

When she grew up, though, moving like the wind used to help her when she wanted to run away from her problems. It is weird that she secretly hates it right now. She got so used to Clarke noticing her presence. Making her feel seen and heard.

But the feeling of being a liability is even weirder. That's what she always hated about being adopted. New homes always made her feel not only embarrassed but useless. Powerless. _Tamed_.

She takes a deep breath and adjusts the backpack in her shoulder before carefully opening the front door and stepping outside the house.

But it happens that Lexa's not the only one with ninja skills. Clarke has a timing that Lexa admires.

"Hey, sleepyhead," Clarke shouts. Lexa looks up, the girl is leaning on her window and smiling down at her. Lexa can't help but think she looks pretty, even more with sleepy eyes and messy hair bun. Clarke is a natural beauty. "We've got chores to do, did you forget?"

Lexa's heart smiles.

Maybe she could stay a little longer.

* * *

"What else do we need?" Clarke absent-mindedly asks as she lazily pushes the shopping cart and walks on that cold aisle with big refrigerators. Lexa, who's walking beside her at the same pace, looks down on a piece of paper in her hand. It has the words "BUY THIS BEFORE I COME HOME" hand-written by Abby.

"Milk."

Of course, she doesn't say it out loud, but doing the chores is something that Lexa loves to do. Different from the other kids on the orphanage who started liking to do the house chores because they were always told that kids that helped doing them were more likely be adopted, Lexa always felt pleasure in making things clean and in order. She always felt pleasure in achieving little goals, like going to the grocery store for Abby, and knowing she did a good job.

It reminded her of her missions as the little ninja she was one day.

She walks to one of the refrigerators and takes two bottles of milk in hands. Before she could place it inside the shopping cart, Clarke steps in.

"Woah, woah," she says. "Why two?"

Lexa takes a long pause looking at Clarke before finally answering like if that's the most obvious thing in the world. "You eat cereal all day long, you consume more milk than any other baby on Earth, Clarke," she says and it is clear that she's judging Clarke. "Two bottles and it still may not be enough for the rest of the week."

But Clarke doesn't get offended, she wants to chuckle instead.

The fact that Lexa knows that about her makes her think they might have been becoming closer friends. They have spent the last week almost entirely playing GTA V and eating on the couch, preparing food and occasionally talking with each other about anything that doesn't involve Lexa's past nor the reason she's there in the first place.

She still doesn't know what happened, Lexa hasn't told her yet, but Abby keeps suggesting she's getting better. Better from that day, at least.

And that's good. That's too good.

Clarke's favorite part of this week was the previous night. It was almost midnight and Lexa was sleeping upright on the couch while it was Clarke's turn to play. Clarke noticed she was tired, she turned off the console and stood in front of Lexa, thinking about what would she do next: if she was going to wake her up or bring a blanket for her. But she got distracted while observing Lexa soundly sleeping with pouty lips. Clarke felt guilty, but she looked too cute. Eventually, a half-asleep Lexa reached her hands to her, just like she did on the floor of that public bathroom in the gas station as if she wanted Clarke to take her to bed.

It felt intimate. Too intimate. Lexa doesn't seem like the type she ever asked someone to take her to bed.

Clarke cursed herself internally because she knew she wouldn't have the strength to take her in her arms and go upstairs. Instead, she helped her to get up and led her by the hand to her bed. Lexa never let her hand go, which obligated Clarke to sleep next to her that night.

Of course, Clarke didn't get too much sleep. Although with closed eyes, she overanalyzed about what had just happened and mostly about _why_ would Lexa still be living with them. The only thing Clarke knows for sure is that Lexa is pretty unpredictable, and the fact that she didn't run away anymore could only mean two things: either she's tired of running and decided that it's time to build a better life _or_ she likes to be around Clarke, since they stay home alone almost all day long.

Clarke likes better the theory that she likes to be around her.

When she woke up this morning and didn't see Lexa in bed, she knew she was gone. Lexa would be too embarrassed to face her after silently asking for Clarke's care.

Luckily, her intuition was right that morning and here they are.

Lexa is cold, though. It's hard to talk to her, she almost never gives space for Clarke to talk. Lexa hardly smiles or laughs too, but when she does, Clarke feels accomplished. And it feels nice.

When she acts like she knows Clarke good enough to take an extra bottle of milk for her, it feels nice too.

"You're right, but take a lactose-free one instead," she says in a provocative way as she walks with the shopping cart, but before she could keep walking towards the other aisle, she turns to a confused Lexa and whispers. "We don't want you farting in your sleep too much again."

Lexa turns her face to get the other bottle of milk straight away, but Clarke knows it's because she has that soft, and pretty rare, lopsided smile on her lips.

* * *

"Hey," Clarke tries to break the silence. She just can't help it, she knows she sounds annoying but silence is something that Clarke can't stand at all. She takes advantage that they're waiting for the light to turn green so they can cross the street and she looks at Lexa, who is dramatically looking to the opposite side and frowning at nothing. Maybe because she's carrying all the three groceries bags in her tattooed arms. "What's the story of your necklace?"

Lexa slowly looks at her. Clarke observes as her tongue wets her bottom lip before she looks away. "I thought you said you wouldn't ask me anything anymore, Clarke."

"I know, I'm sorry," Clarke says. "I'm only curious about your necklace, it is pretty."

Lexa takes a deep breath. She knew it wouldn't take too long until Clarke begins with the curiosity again.

But honestly, she can't keep hiding stuff from her. It doesn't seem right after everything she has been doing.

"It belonged to someone I loved," Lexa's voice is low and it is noticeable that she's trying hard not to sound too emotional over it. The light gets green and she eagerly steps ahead. Clarke follows her with curious eyes.

"Your family?"

Clarke's such a curious little shit.

"No."

But Lexa doesn't need to say anything else, it is obvious it belonged to her ex-boyfriend or something.

"Did you break up with him and stole his car only to hit it on a lightning pole because of revenge and now the police is after you?"

Clarke knows how to be pushy, she really does. The worst part is that she doesn't even apologize for it anymore, she just can't help it sometimes.

Lexa gives a sarcastic laugh. It would be amazing that the reason that she feels no will of living is because of a _man_. It is pretty impossible, sexually speaking, but it would surely be amazing.

"Maybe I broke up with my girlfriend," Lexa says after a while, and then she shrugs, completely oblivious from Clarke's curious look after she suggested that she had a girlfriend. "Maybe she is the president of a secret society and she decided to change sides and betray our thing, then I killed all the aliens we hide for the State for pure revenge," she says in a serious tone and then looks at Clarke. "But it's our secret, ok?"

Clarke doesn't know how to react to that for a second until Lexa gives that sarcastic laugh again and roll her eyes.

"You think too much, Clarke."

* * *

As soon as Clarke finishes taking out all the groceries from the paper bags and putting it in the right places, she feels her phone buzzing in the pocket of her ripped jeans.

 ** _Clarke joined the "Epic Hangover" chat group._ **

_[3:04pm] from Jasper:_  
 _Clarkeeeeee_

 _[3:04pm] from Octavia:_  
 _It is finally on, bitches_

 _[3:05pm] from Finn:_  
 _Who's excited for tonight?_

 _[3:05pm] from Lincoln:_  
 _I'm so excited_

 _[3:05pm] from Lincoln:_  
 _And I just can't hide it_

 _[3:05pm] from Bellamy:_  
 _Linc pls stop_

 _[3:06pm] from Monty:_  
 _Awwww yissssss_

Clarke looks up to take a deep breath. She has about three hours to buy some alcohol and gently ask Abby to stay the night out at her date's house. She canceled the party once because of Lexa, maybe it wouldn't be selfish of her to actually make the party happen this time. It's been a week, after all. She knows it would be a good time, every single party that had ever happened in her basement turned into epic stories. Things always get a little bit out of control and then her whole house is taken by drunk teenagers. She smiles at the thought that it would actually be a nice thing for herself and her self-esteem, even more after the crazy week she had. But something else is worrying her.

And it is not the fact that Lexa is there, she could perfectly lock herself in Clarke's bedroom upstairs if she didn't want to participate. It's because of how would Lexa _feel_ about it.

Clarke unconsciously bites her thumbnail as she leans her back on the kitchen counter. She stares the phone in her hand before she looks up to find Lexa carefully washing the dishes with a care she had never seen before.

 _[3:07pm] Clarke:_  
 _Guys, the Epic hangover_ _will be postponed  
_ _again due to personal and shitty stuff._ _You  
guys know better than anyone how_ _I'm not_  
happy about it, but it is needed. K thx bye.

 _[3:07pm] from Rae:_  
 _That's ok, we all understand, RIGHT GUYS?_

 _[3:07pm] from Octavia:_  
 _Hm... Right..._

 _[3:07] from Bellamy:_  
 _Why_

 _[3:08pm] from Finn:_  
 _Such disappointment_

 _ **Clarke left the group.**_

Clarke feels weird for about five seconds. It happens all the time when she thinks too much and she gets this feeling of confusion over her own actions.

But, for Clarke's sake, she has a best friend that knows her too well.

 _[3:08pm] from Rae:_  
 _Hey, it is cool what you're doing_

 _[3:08pm] from Rae:_  
 _Even though it's weird, I mean, I can't even_  
 _go to my best friend's house! I just can't be_  
 _around sad people ok I don't know how to_  
 _proceed_

 _[3:09pm] from Rae:_  
 _I'm proud of you tho. Don't forget about it :)_

* * *

"You're a terrible, _terrible_ driver, have I ever said that to you?"

At this point, after three weeks living together, exchanging mild offensive words are what they're most comfortable with doing with each other, and it actually feels like a normal relationship between two friends.

Actually, Clarke noticed that it makes Lexa open up better than any other act of caring she had been trying to make.

"You did," Lexa says as she hits her car on all the other cars that dare to cross her path on the game. "Several times. Your constant hair bun is you in an elderly."

"Said the one with plaid sweatpants," Clarke calmly says as she scrolls down her facebook timeline on her cell phone, trying her best to act like she's not dying to see what's going to be Lexa's reaction.

Lexa thinks about mocking Clarke, she has been borrowing most of her clothes after all, but the sweatpants actually happen to be Lexa's. And she loves to wear that dark blue piece of clothing. It was the first thing she bought for herself when she received her first salary ever.

Devoided of argument, she decides to just accept it and when Clarke looks at her, she has a smug smile on her face.

"Every single night!" Abby exclaims as soon as she opens the front door and enters the house. Lexa turns her head to greet her and Clarke simply ignores her from habit. Abby puts her car's keys on the little table next to the door and hangs her black coat on the hanger. "Don't you get tired of this game, my darlings?", she asks as she heads to the kitchen to get herself a glass of water. They hear Abby's voice echoes from the kitchen. "It's Saturday, go out!"

Clarke looks at Lexa and she catches the girl looking at her too. Clarke really doesn't feel like going out, she already bailed on Raven's party invitation tonight and honestly she likes playing video games with Lexa and being lazy with her. Lexa slightly shrugs and settles herself on the couch, getting her attention back to the game and not saying a word after that. Clarke thinks it's annoying how it always seem like Lexa wants to say something, but then she never says it. She only looks at Clarke, she only truly communicates through those enigmatic eyes as if Clarke's not worth of her words and she needs to figure it out on her own what is going on in Lexa's mind.

It is even more annoying the fact that she wants to understand Lexa even more.

This curiosity over Lexa will kill her one day. She's sure about it.

"Do you want to?" Clarke waits until she hears Abby go upstairs to ask her. "We could grab something to eat to avoid playing cooks in the kitchen again and end up eating really bad food."

"Yeah," Lexa says, her eyes fixed on the TV, knowing that she did a terrible job hiding that she really wanted to do something different. "Sounds cool."

* * *

"Do you think I look good on this?" Clarke asks. She's wearing a brown sweater and skinny black jeans now, which is making Clarke look very, very cute.

"Yes," Lexa answers, pretending she's bored while laying on Clarke's bed and playing with her hair. "Please, let's just go. You've already tried all your clothes."

Clarke frowns her nose and looks down on her clothes. "It's easy for you, you put anything on and you look amazing," she quietly says, and still, it looks like it didn't mean to sound this loud.

Lexa remembers when she secretly read Clarke's journal. And she can confirm now that Clarke really isn't a big fan of her own body and for the first time, Lexa really feels like hugging the shit out of Clarke, because she's silly to think that way. Clarke's curves are simply gorgeous.

In fact, Lexa perceives now that she's really attracted to her body, not only her features and her way of being herself.

"You _always_ look good, Clarke."

Clarke's still looking down on her sweater, but a little smile curves her lips.

"Thank you, Lexa."

* * *

After several tries, Clarke finally gets Lexa to tell her where would she want to go.

They go to a place called "Whatafuck", a spot in the middle of two dance clubs, that sells the cheapest and delicious handmade burgers and hot dogs, located on the street that is mostly known for its nightlife. It is risky, Clarke could perfectly meet her friends around there and they would all be weird and make questions about Lexa, she didn't tell them about her yet and she's not in the mood of dealing with all the jokes about Clarke having the bless to sleep next to a good looking girl.

As soon as they enter the tiny place to order their food to then go outside to sit on the curb to eat, Lexa looks a little bit overwhelmed that it is full of drunk people. She reaches for Clarke's hand and Clarke whispers her that it's ok.

"Two hot dogs, please," Clarke says to the vendor and before she could make any move, Lexa puts her hand on her leather jacket's pocket and takes the money to pay for the food.

That subtle act caught Clarke's attention. They're going out on a Saturday night, just the two of them, holding hands, and Lexa's paying for the food. Maybe it is time to assume to herself that yes, it feels like a date. And the worst part is that she loves it.

But the even worse part is that it actually means nothing more than a night out with the girl that her mom's helping and she's been living with.

"What did you think?" Clarke asks with her mouth full of food.

"It's good," Lexa says after putting too much effort on swallowing. "But honestly, I've had better, Clarke."

Clarke rolls her eyes.

Lexa is the definition of stubborn and hard to please. However, Lexa knew Clarke would get pissed off. She looks at Clarke and smiles at the same second because she knew what her face would be like. Almost like a grumpy cat.

"Granny."

"Fuck off, you're older than me."

"Still a big granny."

"Shut up."

"And an unpolite one. That's why your cat hates you."

"Eat your damn hot dog."

Lexa makes a pause looking at Clarke. It's been too long since she got to do this. Not the eating on the dirty floor part, she has been doing it since when she started running away and staying a couple of nights alone in the streets, but now it is different, she has someone with her. Someone that she knows that would protect her even if she didn't ask to.

She has Clarke.

She quietly thanks Abby for that one night she sweetly convinced her to stay the night at her house.

It all makes her smile.

"What happened?" Clarke asks, marveled by Lexa's smile.

Lexa opens her mouth to say something, but she gives up before any sound could leave her mouth. She looks away to finish her hot dog instead.

* * *

They drive home in silence.

They had their fun for a while until they heard a police siren passing by.

It had nothing to do with them, still, it killed the fun vibe they were having. Lexa nearly cried when Clarke silently put her arm around Lexa's neck, bringing her closer to a hug, as if she wanted to assure that she respects all the silence she makes about her story.

It isn't easy for Clarke to step in, but she doesn't want to see Lexa cry ever again.

"I'm sleeping upstairs with you," and that's all that Clarke says when they get out of the car in the garage.

Lexa nods once.

* * *

"Her name was Costia," Lexa says right after Clarke turns out the lights and they lay on the bed, facing away from each other. Her voice is low, almost like a whisper, almost like if she didn't have the strength to say it louder. "She was the daughter of my last two foster parents. We met two years ago."

Clarke swallows, her heart beating faster than it should. "Your girlfriend?"

"I never really liked being in foster homes, I had a plan for my future for when I turned old enough, I never had a family apart from all the people who cared for me and the other kids in my childhood," she says, spitting the words like if she was spitting thorns from her heart. "But I liked them. I liked Indra and Gustus. I liked Costia. I liked Costia too much, I loved her."

Clarke bites her bottom lip, she doesn't like the way Lexa's voice breaks as she talks.

"Gustus had a gun, he haunts. One day, he found Costia and I kissing under the covers. He ran to get the gun and pointed it to me, he said I was an abomination and a pervert and I didn't belong there with them, I belonged in hell, and so his daughter. She put herself in front of me. That sick bastard. He thought he was out of bullets but he was wrong."

A tear drops from Clarke's eyes. She slowly turns onto her side, facing Lexa's back. She hears Lexa's silent sobs and puts her arms around her waist. She waits until Lexa nestles in her arms to hold her closer.

"He's been looking for me, he tells everyone I was the one who killed her. Abby was the only one who believed me, she lied to get me here. She's trying to help me get away from all this fucking tiring hiding game. I don't want to hide anymore," she says. "Abby is good. She doesn't deserve the job she has, being obligated to kill criminals with lethal injections, that's not good. She's good, she's pure, she's like you."

Clarke presses her lips on the top of Lexa's head for a couple of seconds as she holds her tighter, completely ignoring the fact that she has just discovered, by accident, what her mother really does at work. She doesn't know if she should feel proud of her for helping Lexa or hate her for _killing_ people for so long and lying about it. It doesn't really matter now, each sob she hears from Lexa is a bullet in her heart, and it hurts more than anything else. Clarke doesn't really believe in divine interventions, but she silently prays to God to take away all Lexa's pain since she can't do it on her own. She knows how hard it is, how hard it must be to open up about something like that. She knows she must trust Clarke too much.

"You're ok, you're not alone. We'll make it."

Lexa removes her necklace from herself with a brutal pull and throws it on the floor.

Clarke whispers soothing words to her until she falls asleep.

"You won't ever be alone."


End file.
